So..I can't sleep. I know I haven't written in a while. I'm kind of mad at myself for that because while all this good stuff was happening I didn't write about that. I like to focus on the positive, not just the negative so I don't know why I let this go during the good stuff. I guess it was kind of my way of moving on. A lot of good has happened since I last wrote. I started and finished the first semester of nursing school and made some awesome friends. Lillia is in gymnastics and growing up. James and I will be celebrating our 5th anniversary in a little over a week. We did a basketball fundraiser for LLS that raised almost $2300! Great stuff.
So why can't I sleep?
I went in last week for my routine blood work. Just to make sure my blood was behaving (I think I've overused that joke, but anyway...) I hadn't been having any symptoms aside from being tired which I chalked up to stress with school and such so I figured this time would be like the others. It was not. My counts were low so I went Wednesday for follow up labs and those were even lower. So on the 9th I am having a bone marrow biopsy to confirm what is in the back of all of our minds. The leukemia may be coming back.
Further out from the school and the things that were stressing me out, I am still tired and more symptoms are coming back. I am trying to stay positive and out of my own head about this, but I also don't want to be naive as a result. I really don't know what to think and I am kind of a mess at the moment. Writing sometimes gives me clarity so... here I am. I was sad about it the night the labs came back and I cried on my husband's shoulder, but for some reason tonight it is hitting me even harder.
I really don't want to leave my family again. I don't want to miss out on the little things. I am so sad that..well I'm just so sad. I don't want to spend the next several months in a hospital room plastering a smile on my face and making the best out of every moment. Make no mistake, I can and I will. It's what I do ; ) lol...Right now I just don't feel like it. I feel sad and yes angry. I don't deserve this. This is the epitome of unfair. I am confused. I don't know why this is happening. And I know a lot of people have said stuff about my strength, but I am terrified. I think I was a bit naive the first go around that if I could beat it, that would be it. But I just keep thinking, if it's coming back this time..what's to stop it from coming back the next time, and the next time until there aren't anymore next times. I can't leave my family. I'm not even 30 yet! There's SO much I can't miss. I can't do that to them. And, how yet again can I ask them to be understanding about all that this will entail? The missed time, the trek back and forth to the hospital, the stress...
I remember when my Dad had cancer when I was a kid. He was in the VA hospital both times. We would go back and forth to Dayton. I missed him so much and I remember the times apart from him. Here I am doing the same thing to my daughter. It's not right. And I'm helpless. Nothing I can do. It's this or not be here at all.
A friend of mine asked my opinion the other day about that woman who faked cancer. It's hard to put into words but here is the hell that goes on inside of the person who is getting that diagnosis. This is what I was trying to explain. These things, no one should have to face. I am tired of facing them.
I'm staring at the screen now, not really sure what else to say. These things are just going on in my head. I'll go back to being my positive self, I don't like to stray from her often. I just needed to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I am getting so much love and support from friends who know and I appreciate it all. You guys mean the world to me. I am a lucky girl. I guess I only tired the leukemia out last time. Here's to kicking it's ass... <3
