Hey everyone. I hope all is well. I am writing with a bit of a different mood today, but I hope that by sharing I can help others out there going through the same. You're not alone...
Since the beginning of this whole thing I have tried to keep positive...find the good in every bad situation. It almost seemed to come naturally. Being positive is just who I am. It's just how I felt. It was how I got through the first two leukemia rounds and a bone marrow transplant.
Enter numerous infections (including meningitis which damaged my cognition and memory and put me in a coma) and GBS. It has truly been a fight. For a long time. One I am still fighting. I am learning to walk and use my hands again which is going well. But lately my emotional state seems to be changing toward the negative despite my best efforts to keep it positive. I don't like this.It's not me.
I cry so easily now. I've had dreams in which I am playing and chasing Lillia and walking. Every time I fall and wake up crying. I feel this agitation and anger and resentment at this beast who doesn't exist.No one to vent to or attack back, and I'm not sure it would help for more than a minute if I did. I find myself looking at pictures of our family before the leukemia and it makes me so sad...one in particular of Lillia and I. We look so happy with the biggest smiles. And instead of enjoying such a beautiful picture, all I feel is this longing to warn them of things to come and protect them. I want to say I'm so sorry to the little girl and the amazing man behind the camera. But I can't make it o.k.
It's on me now to make this better.I have to take control of my own thoughts. Part of this is getting all of this out there. I am also going to be talking with a nurse specialist in this area that can give me the tools to get back to the real me.
Thanks for reading. Love to you all...~H
