Low platelets written in Ink

Hey to you all : ) I hope life is finding you well. Mine is delightfully boring as always so I thought what better to do than bring it all to you in a blog! haha ;) Actually I have a bit of "off the beaten path" type stuff for you.

Tuesday night I went to Yellow Springs and got part 1 of my survivor tattoo! I am in love. The more I look at it, the more I love it. I am so impatient lol I cannot wait to get the rest of it finished. It is going to be so cool.

 This is on the under part of my forearm. The paper crane represents a Japanese traditions of folding a thousand paper cranes. It is believed if you do so you are granted a wish. Sadako Sasaki developed leukemia as a young girl from the effects of the atom bomb. She started to fold these cranes as a way to wish for leukemia to go away. So it has become sort of synonymous with cancer patients as well as other things. If you've been reading along with my journey, you know how much the crane now means to me. The wings say fighter and survivor. The ribbon on my wrist bone is the leukemia ribbon. The artist is going to combine the two with a chain of cranes in the next session. 


Today I had my first checkup since being officially in remission. She told me that everything looks good except my platelets are low. This could be a lab thing or it could be something. I have to go to my Dr. here in town for more labs next week to see how those come out. From there we'll know. If they go up no prob, if they go down I will probably need another bone marrow biopsy to see what is going wrong. I am doing my very best to stay realistic about this. It's kind of hard, not to be inside my head. I mean it's my worst nightmare. However I have been and do feel great so I think I am ok.

I am so excited to share with you guys a project I will be working on in the near future. I will be posting a facebook and google+ page for you to check out and I really do hope you will. I will be folding a thousand paper cranes for charity. The proceeds will go to LLS and the chain of cranes will be hung at the James Cancer Hospital at The OSU Medical Center. A great way to help towards our goal of getting rid of cancer and raising the spirits of those fighting so hard.

Well, that's all for now. I have been trying out some new recipes and working on some crafts so I'll bring those to you in the next blog or two. I hope you all have enjoy the rest of your day and take care. Thanks for reading! Please feel free to share, comment, +1 etc. I would love to hear from you :) Love ~H

Comments on some comments

So as my hubby reminded me recently..it has been a while. He threatened to remove me from his bookmarks! Can't have that. Luckily I was kinda inspired the other day by some comments/facebook statuses.

When it comes to my experience with cancer (and I know I said I was gonna move a bit away from that yet here we are again...sorry) I have gotten some interesting comments made to me. One is the comment made after being upset about something. The "be happy you're here and alive" type comment. There have been a few statuses I've come across too that were thought provoking. Here are my thoughts:

If anyone is to know how happy and lucky I am to be here it is me. If you think I don't realize that you are off your rocker. I deal with that though about a thousand times a day. Every time I get a new bruise, a headache, feel a bit off for no apparent reason. I know  and am reminded that I am lucky to be here. When you come that close to not being here...you don't forget it. HOWEVER I am still a human being. I am going to feel frustration and sadness and all that comes with that. It doesn't mean I am taking my life for granted. It means I am choosing to live it and telling cancer to kiss off, it can't control me. And what's more 98% of the time I AM positive and happy. Probably annoyingly so LOL.

Also, just because you know me and I went through this thing (and yes I'll be the first to tell you it was probably my version of hell) doesn't make things going on in your life any less sucky. Use my story to inspire you? yes please! That makes it all worth it. But don't stop living your life and feeling things because someone out there has/had it worse. Someone will always have it worse. We can't live our lives this way and I refuse to subscribe to that philosophy. Should we keep perspective sure but should we refuse to feel rough when we're sick, or when our car breaks down etc...no. We're human. Crappy situations happen, we have to feel them!

Lastly I was inspired by a friend's status the other day. It was along the lines of how sometimes life feels like it drags out and how is one supposed to live when that happens. This got under my skin a little. Like I said, something bad happens...sure, feel it. But don't regret an entire life. You push through, set goals, achieve them, then set new ones until you're cold! Because you owe it to yourself! Maybe it's my life philosophy/religious views (or lack there of if you prefer) that set me a bit heel on this, but I think...this is it. We get one shot. Nothing gets better from here. So why not make the most of it. Be you (be damned of what others think), be happy, change the world for those here after you go. That's all we got so we have to make it count. ESPECIALLY when it can be ripped out from under us so fast.

I feel like I may have rambled here a bit. I hope you'll forgive me. I woke up at 5:30 this morning ;) haha. But I hope there is a message here you can take away. Live your life so you regret nothing. That includes feeling things that aren't always positive, but don't dwell in it. Keep perspective, keep moving, and be inspiring. Love you guys and thanks for reading : ) ~H

Speaking at the light the night celebration

Hey everyone :) I hope life is treating you and yours well. I am sitting here shivering. The heat just kicked on and I am fighting the urge to get grumpy because I don't live somewhere warmer ;) LOL Some of you may recall me talking about the Light the Night walk put on by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society that my family and I did this September. This past Tuesday night I had the honor of sharing my story at the celebration dinner. I am so happy and proud to say that the Springfield City team raised $1600! Woot! Thank you to all who helped in a cause that's so close to my heart.

There are SO many causes and ribbons and philanthropies out there one can support and not a single one is less important than the other. It all comes down to finding ones that touch you and bringing awareness about that subject to others. In that similar vein, I wanted to share with you all what I said at the dinner:

Over the course of this whole journey I have heard several times that I am inspiring. I always think in my own head...huh? Because I like me. I am all for anything that is going to preserve me. SO when the doctors said all you have to do to stay around and enjoy your family and life a bit longer is let us fill you full of poison and then you can move about your day. It was a no brainer! And on top of that throughout this whole thing I have come across so many patients and their families and those stories..those are inspiring. Those people really had to fight. One day I was heading out for a walk and passed my neighbors room. She was older, but was doing well. She looked good and looked happy. That night as I slept there was a code blue called and in the morning her family was there to collect her things and say good bye. Things can happen in a split second and so I am just happy to be here. So thank you for giving me the chance to share my story with you. 

My journey starts out by admitting to you all that my husband and I are nerds. We are wrestling fans. In April of this year Wrestlemania...that's like our superbowl...was in Miami. We thought it would be really cool to go enjoy the wrestling as well as the beach and the typical FL type stuff. A couple weeks prior I started having some symptoms, but chalked it up to stress. While vacationing, the got a lot worse. The day after we flew in I called the Dr. and was lucky enough to get an appointment and had routine lab work done. I thought at worst it will be anemia, I will be told to take some iron and move on. The next morning I got a phone call from the lab with a laundry list of things that were wrong with my blood, that they had a room waiting for me, and that I needed to go the hospital right away. Once my husband picked me up off the floor we went in. The Dr. said it could be anything from minor anemia to leukemia. They ran more tests and then Dr. Khanna came in. He had a sad look on his face and I didn't need to hear him say it to know. It was leukemia. That night I was sent to OSU medical center. I don't think there has been anything harder in my life than to see my daughter crying as my husband and she left. She didn't understand why I wasn't going home with them. The next morning I had more procedures done and was left with a bunch of questions, most of which started with why. Being the nerd that I am I wanted to know everything so I hit Google. 

What I found was the LLS website. It was invaluable  It had a community support page, facts, statistics, on an on. It was also talking about this Light the Night Walk. I looked more into it, saw pictures, and thought I want to do that. That became one of my goals. Get better in time to walk that with my family. And I did. In early September I had my last chemo treatment and in early October I was pronounced leukemia free. In late September my family and I walked in the Light the Night Walk. It wasn't just a walk to me. It was symbolic. I made it. Not only that, but how cool was it to see everyone from our community from all walks of life there. Because this isn't a black/white..old/young..religious/nonreligious issue. This is a humanity issue. We are all dealing with this monster. And so many people were there to so no more. THAT was inspiring. I gave me hope that if we all keep banning together one day so that the Dr. comes in with a happy face and can say "this is no big deal. take a couple of these and call me in the morning". SO no more will we have to watch our children cry, be away from our families, or hear our neighbors coding in the middle of the night. That's why this cause is so important. And I believe we can get there. And that is why Light the Night was so amazing to me. Thank You.

I know I've said this before, but thank you to everyone who has supported me. I wouldn't have had the strength to do it all without you. What an amazing night that walk was. This year the hubs and I are going to do our own team! "The Orange Cranes" Oh and I am so excited because I have my survivor tattoo all planned out and I will share it with you as soon as it happens! 

What causes are important to you and why? Have you been touched by a blood cancer or even any type of cancer. Feel free to share in the comments below :) Thanks for reading. Love~H

Health and Fitness:Goals and cool finds.

Hey everyone =) Hope all is well in your worlds! I am getting in and cleaned up from my workout. This was week two with the trainer and so I thought I would take this time to do a fitness/health blog. I have been consistent in my nutrition and exercise so I am really happy about that. I have been keeping track of my weight and measurements but I will wait to let you all know how much was lost at the end of the month. My workouts have been in a strenth, cardio, strength... pattern focusing on upper body one day lower the next and total body the next. I have been taking the dogs on runs too around our neighborhood and already I have noticed a difference in my endurance. Long way to go but I love it!

I have some finds that I think are really cool so I would like to share. 1st: One thing I have noticed in my on and off attempts at getting healthy is that the more water I drink the easier it is to stay on track.  We were actually talking about this at the gym today too. But it's so easy to go throughout the day without drinking. You just don't think about it, or at least I don't. I was on pinterest yesterday (that thing is SO addictive, it's crazy) and saw these really cool water bottles. They are so simple but really effective. One of those "why didn't I think of that" type deals. She labeled them with the times she wanted to drink the amount of water by. I couldn't find glass see through bottles so here is my verssion:

  Morning, Night, and the middle is for the noon hours. I couldn't think of a noon picture and then I thought, what is more inspiring to me than the journey I have been on and to never go back, so the ribbon and "fighter" in Japanese. You could do your own pictures. I think this is a cool idea.

2nd: Croc Pot Salsa Chicken. If you have days when you are too busy to cook or even days when you know you won't feel like cooking this is a super yummy healthy recipe that I stole from someone who stole who... LOL

Ingredients

3 large chicken breasts

1 container low sugar salsa*

1 can low sodium tomato sauce

2-3 Tbsp taco seasoning* 

Mix well in crock pot and cook for 8 hours on low. Once cooked you should be able to pull the chicken apart easily with a fork.

You can put this stuff on whole grain flats, with veggies and rice, plain, whatever..it freezes as well as packs in lunches nicely too! *To have even more control you could make these ahead of time to have around the house for use.

Last find: The "motivate me" app on play store. It's free and I've had some fun with it the past few days. It has motivational quotes, wake up calls, diet and exercise motivations. You can set them to go off whenever you want. 

Even though it's not New Years, with all that has been going on I want to end this blog with my goals for the future. It's important to me to get to a healthy place and stay there. To never go back to where I was. I can't do it, won't do it, and refuse to put my family in a place that we were these past few months. I encourage you to share your goals with me in the comment section or on facebook and we can help each other stay focused :)

1. Lose weight
2. Become healthier and more athletic 
3. Run a 5k
4. Try to ski
5. Stay consistent with working out and eating right. 

Those are just a few of mine. What are your top 5?  The bean and I are gonna have some pumpkin ravioli for lunch and then off to the library. Hope you enjoy your day and weekend!

What candy,juice detox,and the gym have in common

They're in this blog! haha...ok ok I'm sorry. I was having trouble coming up with a title. So hey pretty people haha :) How's it goin? I hope you're doing well! We just celebrated trick-or-treat here. My daughter is going through a "strawberry shortcake" phase. What little girl hasn't gone through that phase? How long has that character been around?... So being the nerd I am I googled it and it has been around since the 1970's! Started out as a greeting card. Hmm who knew? Anyway LOL... she wanted to be strawberry shortcake this year. Some of my favorite memories/costumes were the ones my dad made for me so I thought it would be cool to make hers. I think it turned out well...

It was super easy. I put the patches on a plain white shirt. sewed on the ribbon. Sewed elastic to fit her waist and did slip knots with the tulle for the skirt. Some face paint, tights, and red hair spray was all it took to complete the costume. She had so much fun and so did I. We went out for about an hour and her bucket was full to the brim. We came home, warmed up and she slept very well haha. My dad and I had another tradition of watching scary movies so I turned on a very old school black and white Dracula movie. Very cool. I can't wait to share that with Lillia when she gets older. I hope you all had a great time too. 

This is a little bit different, but I'm planning on doing a juice detox in the next few days. I've been reading a lot about the benefits in general, but also for those coming off of chemo and radiation. Even way after the dose, the chemo can stick in your body for a while and cause side effects and just not be good for the body. The juice detox helps to rid your body and help you to start feeling better. I'm really looking forward to it. I'll let you know how it goes and how I feel after. Feel free to share your thoughts!

In line with the health thing, a friend of mine is a personal trainer at the gym I go to and has offered to help me focus on getting some strength back. That will be really cool. I've been in and out of there a lot but my consistency has always been lacking(hince not much progress and then with the in and out of the hospital thing :P pitiful). I think this will help me get on a more stable routine and I'm looking forward to what he has planned to help push me past what I was already doing too. I'll keep you updated on my progress. Kind of an accountability thing if you don't mind :)

I have some yummy clean recipes in mind to make (I've made a couple already)..I'll share all those in an upcoming blog :) Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't bore you too much ;) Take care, talk to you next time ~H

Bone marrow results and what comes next

A friend of mine sent me a very sweet comment on facebook not too long ago that said she was looking at my pics and thought my daughter was cute. (I agree, but I may be biased ;) ) This made me want to take a trip down memory lane so I pulled up my pics and was looking through them. I came across this pic:

This is a picture of my daughter and I at the dinosaur exhibit. We were "mining" for gold. It was taken before I had any idea about the leukemia. I'm not even sure why, but my first reaction to the smiling faces in this pic was to feel sad for them. Almost like the woman there wasn't me, but just a pic of someone I had heard about. "They don't even know what's about to hit them" is kind of how it felt. What a happy moment t his picture was though. I'm not sure why this was my first reaction. Maybe some residual guilt? Some lasting feelings of anger and resentment of a disease that took my beautiful world and shook it like a snow globe. What I love though, is that in true fashion, my husband just today posted this pic to his wall with the title "my world". As much as things have changed, the most important things in life have not. There is still such love, positivity, and happiness between our little family. That's what this picture shows and that's why I love it so. The girls in this pic may not know what's ahead, but they are so happy because they know that no matter what does come..life will still stay good.

On April 3rd I went to my Dr. having strange symptoms. Bruising, dizziness, nausea and vomiting, headaches, lethargy. She took blood. On April 4th I was told to go straight to admitting and that night I was told I had leukemia and was transferred to OSU James cancer center for a month stay of chemo, bone marrow biopsies, fevers, weakness, gaining of friendships, regaining of strength, an unwaivering positivity, and a reminder of unconditional love. Following that were months of back and forth hospital stays. Through it all here we are. Changed for the better. Life will never be the same for me. I will always carry this with me. With every bruise, illness, weakness, I will be worried it's coming back. But like my husband said I'm back at square one. My odds are the same. I cannot sit on the couch worrying away life. I have to live it ESPECIALLY because it could come back and if I don't make it, I don't want to go out with could have beens. I almost like that there's a bit of the mind game there, because it's a constant reminder of how precious these moments are.

On that note, I have GREAT news! I got my marrow results back and I am officially leukemia free!!!!!! I think it's still sinking in a bit. I've spent the better part of a year living and breathing fighting this thing. It's over. We did it. It feels great. I've said it a thousand times, but that's only because I mean it so much: I could not have done it without all of the support from family and friends so THANK YOU. So what from here? I live. I want to take this from leukemia focused to life focused. Because that's what it is now. Like I said, I have spent the better part of a year being nothing but leukemia. I am ready to move on. I will still be posting about cancer related things, because it will always be a part of my life, and I will always have to keep monitoring my health in that area, but I want to post about things I love and things going on in my life. I hope that's ok :) I hope you'll stick with me.

Thanks for reading! ~H

Since the chemo...my 4th bone marrow biopsy

Hey everyone :) I hope you all are well! So what's new? I think the last we talked I had just gotten done with my last round of chemo. Well, I ended up with another infection in my line from that. I was really sick. I had a fever and with this one I got really weak and tired. So needless to say I went back to OSU. They put me on antibiotics and I stayed for a few days.

I hate when this happens (that is, infection in the line) because it means they have to take it out and put a new one in. I have crap veins these days anyway from all this so it's not good news. They take it out, but they still need access for medicine and blood for testing and what not so they stick and stick and stick...trying to get an IV in. It always ends up the same way. With me telling them to leave me alone for a while. (Putting it nicely). This time was no different. They stuck and stuck..finally got one in but they wanted two. Well before they could try for the second the Dr. came in to take my line out (no big deal just the one connected to my heart lol). No sooner than he was walking out of the door, the nurse was coming back in and tying on the tourniquet! It's like they think I'm a pin cushion! Ah well, just part of the game. ; ) I survived and that's the main thing. They put a new line in and sent me home on IV antibiotics ..that was that.

In other news I went for my bone marrow biopsy yesterday as well as my line removal. I was extremely nervous. For those of you that have been reading, the first two of these I had were not that bad and I said that. They also gave me good drugs for those. The third one all they gave me was ativan. That was miserable and probably the worst pain I've ever been in. SO this time I was so scared it was going to be that way again. I told the nurse practitioner that and she gave me ativan and dilauted. They pushed the dilauted slowly because of my chest pain last time. It was nerve wracking but man did it do the job! I remember a couple instances of like AH! stop that! lol but other than that it was just pressure that I felt. I'll take it! My husband was there and he is always a calming force for me. Oh and not only did the drugs work for the procedure, they worked for the WHOLE day LOL. I was talking to my husband this morning and there are holes in my memory. I find this intriguing. I hope I didn't do anything stupid ; )

Today I'm feeling pretty much back to normal. My hip is really tender but that should go away in a day or two. It is really nice to have my line out too. Since April every time I wanted to shower I would have to get either an aqua guard or saran wrap and go forth in a 5 min procedure of taping my chest up. It will be nice to just be able to get in. Don't take that for granted! LOL.

Anyway, in between the fever and the biopsy we went to the light the night walk as well as celebrated my daughter's 4th birthday. Life is moving on and I am so glad to be here for it. The walk was beautiful and I am really glad my family and I went. My daughter and I got our faces painted, there were the lit balloons, and a nice ceremony to remember those lost and those who have survived blood cancer. Then the main walk. For my daughter's birthday we took her to chuck e cheese's and later had cake and presents with the family. All the celebrations throughout these 6 months have taken on such a special new meaning for me. My daughter's birthday is no different. She is so beautiful. I am lucky to be here to celebrate another milestone in her life.

I got back to the gym all last week and it felt great. It felt like..normal (whatever that is). I have lost a lot of strength, especially after that last infection, but I know I'll get it back. I think it will be even more satisfying actually. Well, now I just wait for the results of the biopsy. I should have them Thursday when I got back to see my Dr. Then she told us (or rather my husband, this is one of the holes I mentioned earlier) that if they are good I will come back every two months for blood work. That's it. I'll keep you updated. :) I hope things are well with all of you and thank you for reading. It means a lot to have a place to throw everything out there. Take care and talk to you soon!

Getting through this weekend, and why the fight is worth it!

So what's up? I hope you're all doing well. Thanks again for reading. I am almost a week out from my last chemo treatment and my levels are at their lowest. Last night I felt pretty crappy. Had a headache and really tired. I thought for sure I was headed toward a fever. I took some tylenol and got some sleep and I feel better today although still really tired. 

I went to the clinic today and my white cell count is .6 so for the next couple days I have no immune system. This is really scary for me and has made me borderline paranoid about germs. I just really don't want to have to go back to the hospital. I have these masks to wear that keep me from breathing in germs. You wanna make someone uncomfortable and stare at you awkwardly? Wear these out in public while running errands ; )
So not much else is going on around here. I'm mostly gonna just stick close to home and live in a bubble. I did want to take this time to talk to you guys a bit about light the night I've mentioned a few times. Before I do, I feel a little uneasy about this. I don't usually do the whole, jump on a charity's band wagon, ask for money thing. It makes me feel weird. Like what is so special about this cause, or my cause that I have a right to ask you to give up your hard earned money? That being said, I promise this will be the one and only time I bring it up from here on out. With that I give you my begging: 

If there's one thing I've taken from this process, it's that this disease does not care if you are young, old, a mother, a child, a spouse. If you would have asked me a year ago what I would be doing right now, the last thing in the world I would have guessed is that I would be battling leukemia. My family has been extremely blessed in that we have an amazing support system and health insurance that covers my treatment. One person in the United States is diagnosed with a blood cancer approximately every four minutes. Not everyone is so lucky. The leukemia and lymphoma society helps provide support in every way including financial. The light the night walk is a fundraiser that helps support these efforts to help patients like myself who are dealing with a blood cancer. Survivors, family, and friends, all those touched by this disease come together to celebrate those who have been lost, and those who are surviving. There are balloons (each color representing either a survivor in white, family of in red, or someone lost in gold) each with a light inside. At the end there are family friendly events. This will be my first and I cannot think of a better way to celebrate what will hopefully be by then my clean bill of health. I am asking that if my story has touched you in any way while reading to please consider donating. Even just $1. This is a cause I have become passionate about because I know what it is like to be touched by this disease. I am lucky enough to be on the other side and I want to help others going through this as well. 

Lastly, I was kinda surprised by a conversation I had today. The nurse at the clinic was talking to me today about Lillia and about school starting again (SO excited btw) and made a comment about how she doesn't know how I am juggling all of this at the same time. School, Lillia, my amazing husband, the new LLS stuff, housework, to me is not stuff to be juggled. These are all things I have a passion for and love to no end. These are what I love to do so they are easy and they are what make me juggle and fight through the treatments and time away. It's not hard when it's fun. If it weren't for these things and especially my family, I don't think I would be fighting near as hard. So thank you to my husband and daughter, to my friends, and all the things that make this worth it. I love you all. And thanks for listening to me ramble through another blog. =) Take care and talk to you soon, H

Round 3/4

Hey everyone. Thanks for reading again : ) Hope this finds you well. I am finishing up round 3/4 of my consolidation chemo. So glad it's about finished. Can't believe after the next round I can finally put all of this behind me. Well for the most part anyway. It has been a journey and one that has effected my perspective and life forever. I'll always be worried about it coming back, but it has taught me not to take life for granted.

On Tuesday a friend of mine came to visit. It was so cool to hang out and catch up. There's a lot of free time here so I really appreciated that. On my way back from walking her to the parking garage I noticed the woman in the room next to mine sitting up in bed. I didn't think anything of it. You walk past rooms and see people all day. Nothing new. That night she coded and in the morning her family was here. She didn't make it. I found out later she had been doing well and was actually supposed to be going home. I didn't even know her and yet I still felt a bit sad because it was just so fast. My thoughts go out to her family wherever they are. This is a horrible disease. 

The next day my husband and daughter came to visit. That visit is what I look forward to all week. I miss them so much and to see them come through the door reminds me of what this is all for. It's so funny, word around here spreads fast and our daughter has such a personality she's like a little celebrity around here haha.  A couple hours after they arrived one of the PCA's I had on the 10th floor came in my room and wanted to know why we hadn't come up to visit yet haha. Everyone here is so great. This day was really cool though because Drew (another of the PCA's on 10) does photography too and had set up a station for the family's to come and have pictures taken. So the three of us got to go up and play around a bit while having that photographed. I can't wait to see the pics. That really meant a lot to me to have that done and it will be nice to look back on. We got through this as a family with smiles on our faces. Really cool too is that the 8th and 10th floor put together a team for the Columbus Light the Night Walk and one of our pics is gonna be on the banner they walk with! Isn't that neat? 

So really not much else going on here. Yesterday and today I'm just watching a bunch of netflix LOL. This round has been complication free so that's nice and I am going home to live in bubble until my counts come back up so I don't have to be back. My next date is set for Aug 30th. I have signed up for classes this semester so that is exciting for me. Just to get back into the swing of things. And in the Spring I will be starting the nursing sequence!! I don't know why this all happened or even if there is a grand why. I'm not really one to buy into all that master plan stuff or even karma really. In the beginning that's all I wanted to know was how this could happen. There is no answer. They don't know why yet. But I do know that for all the crap it's thrown our family, it hasn't been for not. It has made us stronger, really shown us what we can go through, and I feel like a better person for all of it. I'm definitely not afraid of needles anymore ; ) 

Until next time... =) 

Heather

G.I. Jane

Hey everyone =) Hope life is treating you well. It's been a while since my last post. I really want to get better about that, really I do, I just forget about stuff like this when I'm home. So what brings me back today? Well.. reality. This is two-fold. One, I want to talk about losing my hair, and two is something my husband inspired me to talk about...

Most of you that are reading this are my facebook friends. So my husband and I were talking last night and he said to me (paraphrasing here) "ya know, we never show our full selves on facebook. Just the strong parts. Like with all the cancer stuff. We post the positive and the good things going on, but like the other day when you were crying, we don't post that." That really made me think. One of the goals I had for this blog was to be real. And I have posted gripes and what's been going on with me, but what my husband said was true. I haven't been talking about that side of things that come up. And partly because I'm not one to focus on the negative. I really don't like to. I have moments and I like to move on, but how real am I being if I don't touch on the emotion part of all this that I am having from time to time.

So here is why I was crying the other day. My husband and I were talking just about planning stuff for the near future and how we were going to handle certain issues. One of the things he brought up was how he was going to put in for his next round of time off so I can go to get more chemo. You see the past couple times I have had chemo it wiped out my immune system. I got fevers and had to go back for a week. The first time was much worse than the second. This was added time he had to take off that we did not expect. In the middle of talking about all of this, the guilt hit me. I have such guilt over all of this. It has turned my family's world upside down. They didn't ask for this. My husband has to take all of this time off and deal with taking care of Lillia, and the house, and me and etc and my daughter has to having me gone and visits back and forth to the hospital and me not being my best some times and etc and while I know she's resilient and he doesn't mind I still feel horribly about it. It just started coming all out. I feel so sad they have to deal with this all and I feel useless some times. I feel like I'm not only not contributing to the house anymore but I'm taking away from it. I'm adding all of this pressure and burden to the people I love the most. As always my husband was great at making me feel better and helping me to know what I already knew, that he in no way felt that way. It was nice to hear though. But at times I can't help but feel like that and it makes me feel sad.

I cry when I feel home sick or scared about a procedure. Last time I was in they had to do a procedure (I'll spare you the details) that I could not have felt less strong, sexy, or to say the least like a 26 year old young woman. That felt devastating because it was a reminder that I am not completely healthy. I feel robbed that I am going through this garbage at such a young age which I get angry about at times. With my first fever, my line was infected. They had to take it out. The next day they spent the whole day sticking me with needles. The tried to put in a pic line but no matter how many shots of litocane they gave me I could feel every bit of her jabbing into my arm. Especially when she would hit nerves. They stressed me out so much by the end of the day, they couldn't get any more blood because my veins had closed off. I spent the good chunk of that day in tears. Couldn't eat. Couldn't fall to sleep because every time I would hear a noise I would jump awake thinking they were coming back to try for more blood. Awful. During the day over there when my family can't come and I go down to the cafeteria to eat I feel lonely. And even though I know it's all worth it I feel sad that I am missing all this time with James and Lillia at home. So there it is. There's my junk. In all it's reality. There has been a lot of positive in this situation and I mostly focus on that and I do hope that has come out in this blog so far. It's what helps me stay strong. But by no means am I strong. I am a human and this stuff comes up too. This is the reality of the disease. I hope by sharing it all it can help even just one person out there. Because it can be overcome. It can be beaten. And you can look back on this stuff and laugh and most of it. That first procedure I mentioned, James and I are already making jokes about it. Sometimes it's all you can do.

Speaking of things to laugh at. How about my chia pet lookin head? ; ) I ran into a woman at the cancer center a while back. She has breast cancer. She asked me where I bought the hat I was wearing. (I said cjhats.com) :D She then explained that today was the first day she woke up to clumps of her hair coming out and looked sad about it. I remember that feeling. You know when you have to get chemo that losing your hair is a possibility. Actually you could probably become very rich betting that your hair will indeed fall out. But there's still this part of you that holds on that maybe just maybe yours will be the magic one that won't. But then it starts happening in stages. At first it just looks like you're shedding a bit. It gets a little worse every day until you get this:

It's a little creepy to see that come out in your hand to say the least. Plus your scalp is itchy and it's just a mess so you know...it's time. Let's buzz it off. I went shopping online for some cute hats. Shopping is always fun. And I told my PCA. I was ok up until I heard the clippers turn on and then I thought... oh man what if I end up looking like an alien, what if my head's lopsided, WHAT if I have a HUGE weird looking mole with a hair sticking out of it. Well the hair would be gone so that's a plus. And I started to cry. Then I realized how vain I must be that I'm so hooked on what I look like without hair at a time like this. And I cried more ; ) LOL. Then it was all gone. The floor was covered in brown hair and I looked like G.I. Jane. Coincidentally the nurse I had that day was in the military at one point. She told me all about cutting her hair off at first and how she felt. I told her I was afraid of getting the "pitty look" from people. She said she saw patients with their hair gone as being like a badge of honor. That I was a warrior who was coming out the other side and this was my bad ass scar. I like that. I felt a lot better. And that was the last time I felt sad about my hair. However up until a while ago I would never be seen without a hat on.

 I finally started leaving it off but only at home. Well that day at the cancer center, I whipped that hat off and told her, "look! It grows back". :D And told her what the nurse told me and that it would be ok. I remembered feeling how she felt, but it's better than the alternative. I hope I helped her to feel better. 

Since then I've showed a few people my head but I'm still working on leaving it off full time haha. I think today though I would like to show everyone my chia pet head ; ) Plus I want anyone going through the same thing to know that it's okay to be proud of what you're going through. Not ashamed of it. It's a battle scar. So here goes:

Oh and now it's a running joke that Lillia and James like to pet my head LOL. Lillia asks to kiss my head every night before bed. That makes me happy. Plus I can't lie head rubs and feeling the breeze on my scalp feels pretty good ; ) bahaha I will enjoy it when it comes all the way back though! I do miss styling it. 

Well I have written way too much but I hope you have enjoyed. I am headed back tomorrow for round 3 of chemo. Then only one more left!!!! Take care and thanks for reading =)

Love, -H

for therapeutic's sake

I think in the last blog I promised something about hair, and that was quite a while ago. I have to apologize because a)it's been so long...again.... and b)this isn't going to be about my hair..or lack there of. When I started this I thought it would be so fun and easy to blog on a regular basis and what I'm finding out is, sometimes it's easy to jump right on and try to be funny and show what's going on and other times I just plain don't feel like it. I can't think of something, or would rather be spending time doing something else or I don't know.

In one of my first blogs I talked about the difference in bad days verses bad moments and how most of the time it's moments really. That's still true. The majority of my time is positive, I enjoy meeting the new nurses and doctors and patients, finding things to do around here, making the best of all of this. And of course my home time is the highlight of my life. That never ever changes. That is why I am still going through all of this. So I can have a whole lot more of that. BUT this morning, I find myself having one of those moments. I woke up in one of those moments to be honest. I thought I'd blog about it as a way to let off steam and to show you the mindset in one of these moments for someone on this side of things.

My IV monitors, which I've been connected to for days now non stop, would not shut the hell up last night. They beeped about once every hour. Something would be kinked, or would run out. Then around 6 AM my lines were kinked again and the nurse thought taping them up on my chest might help to keep them in place. I was in the middle of sleeping so like most women, not to be too TMI but it is relevent to the story, I was "boulder holder"less lol. So I had my shirt up so the nurse could tape me, which was a little awkward but it needed to happen so whatever,when the PCA comes barging in without knocking and goes OH I'm so sorry and then preceeds to just stand there and watch... until she finally goes to empty my bathroom. Because yes, I still have to pee in a giant cup like thing so they can monitor my intake and output like a 90 year old in a nursing home. sigh, 


Anyway after they both left, I layed there thinking for a bit. Why am I here? I mean I know what got my here. I had a fever Sunday night. My levels were low so I needed blood and platelet transfusions. So I went to the E.R. and they transferred me here. That's why I'm here. But while the cultures they took in Springfield grew something, the ones here at OSU have not. I haven't had a fever since and the entire time I have felt fine. In my logic, doesn't that mean whatever it is, is gone and I'm better. Why am I 45 min. away from the most important place in the world when I feel ok? I am wasting time. I am missing time. Well I expressed all of this to my poor but very understanding nurse practitioner and she must have thought I was going to go AMA or something because she promptly returned with the doctor haha. He explained that there are certain bacteria that can stick to the line I have in my body and with those so long as I am being given antibiotics it will look and feel like it is cleared up as soon as I am off of them I will get sick again. So they need to grow the cultures further to find out what it is and what antibiotic it is specific to. This made sense. I hated that it did, but it did. The hardest part is there is nothing I can do. Not about this, not about the leukemia. I really really don't like being helpless to a problem. I'm a bit of a control freak/fixer in that way. If there's a problem, let's solve it, figure out why it happened so that it doesn't happen again. There is no explanation. I have been doing everything right and yet here I am. Missing my family and in what feels like my own version of hell sometimes. 


So after the Dr. left, I went down for some breakfast and a long walk. There was a really cute kid, probably about 1 1/2 ish. Reminded me of Lillia. When I went outside for a bit (the weather is actually nice today for a change yay!) I thought about time. When I am here and feeling healthy I feel like I am letting time pass me by. I feel great, I should be taking advantage of it and be spending it with my husband and daughter. Who by the way didn't ask to be effected by this. They did nothing to deserve having to drive to columbus, putting their lives on hold, missing time with their mom and wife. I kept thinking about how Lillia is going to preschool this fall and starting that little life and adventure. An how damn cruel it is that the last few bits of time I have with her before all of that are being spent in this place trying to treat something I have no idea how I got. And there is no one to be mad at. No one to blame. No answers as to why. Just more chemo, more fevers. More time away. But as I sit there in that funk I heard this voice in my head and later again by text that oddly enough sounded like my best friend ; ) It said, while you didn't ask for this and it certainly isn't fair, it is what it is. You can't change it, and certainly won't make it better tearing up on the bench outside of OSU lol. So you go through this now, give up some time now, so that you can see Lillia in preschool, and in all the other great things she is going to do in her life. Pick yourself up out of this ridiculous pity party and make yourself a better stronger person because of it. Keep perspective because this will end and life will move on again. So that's what I am doing now. Starting to feel better and get perspective. Because this could be a lot worse. I have been and am a really lucky woman and I am so glad I have a beautiful family and great friends at home helping me to keep perspective in moments like this and cheering me on to get better. So thank you all for letting me share. Take care and talk to you soon


Heather =)

Playing some catch up

Hey everyone =) If you are reading, thank you! I took a brief hiatus from this. Last I wrote I was still in the hospital getting what they call "induction" part of chemo. Once I went home from that I just really wanted to soak it all in. Induction is the first month of treatment I went through. Now I am writing to you from "consolidation". This is the part of my treatment where I come to the hospital and stay 5 days and go home again. I do this three times. The chemo is given every other day at 12 hour intervals. They call it HIDAC. It's similar to what I received before but at a higher dose. This time I'll recover at home with my levels dropping there. Every day I'll be giving myself a slew of medicine one of which is an injection to help my blood counts recover more quickly. I will also be seeing an oncologist outpatient for blood work to make sure everything is going as planned.

Being home was so great. Just getting into the car and driving out of here was such a weird feeling. Believe it or not, I didn't even want to do anything special. I just wanted normal. We hung out, ordered in, spent time together, I put Lillia to bed which I missed so so much. It was GREAT. Over the break home we went out with friends for dinner and I got to celebrate mother's day with my beautiful girl. We played outside, and I did some housework and gardening. I'm excited to get back to that when I get home from this round.

This part of my treatment went a little differently than I expected. I was a lot more homesick than I expected to be. It didn't help that I was stuck with the roommate from hell at first. That made it harder to stay in a positive mood. But James was there for me every bit and helped me get through it and keep my chin up. I don't know what I'd do without his love and support. And logic. These people we unbelievable though you guys. This woman and her husband were SO negative and inconsiderate the whole time. She left her stuff all over the place, she was constantly snoring or hacking up a lung, and they fought right beside me all the time. He came in blaming her for how the past two weeks of his life have been so hard and talking about how he just had no positivity left to give her. Oh and my fav was when he told me come June 5th she was on her own because he had his own problems to deal with. I can NOT imagine treating my best friend that way in a time of need. So much for in sickness and in health. That's why vows are just words unless you mean it, but that's an entirely different tangent my friends.

Anyway, I was finally moved to a private room and things have been better since then. I'm still very homesick, but it's easier to come out of and find something positive to think about or do. I think the first time around I was so focused on the future and just getting through that, that I thought this part would be easier. While this isn't nearly as bad because it's like a 6th of the time in the hospital, it's making me feel like this process will never end. Like my break was just a tease. It's making me come to terms with the fact that this is a life changer. For the next couple months I will be in and out for this and then for the next few YEARS I will have to be monitored with bone marrow biopsies and such. And I feel like I'm missing so much when I'm gone from James and Lillia like this. And I think even more unnerving is how helpless I feel in my own body. I hate that. I'm a bit of a control freak LOL. But on the other hand I try to think, if it's going to be a life changer then one day this will be behind me and I'm going to make it a life change for the better. I will do better by myself so hopefully I and more importantly my family doesn't have to go through this again. That's scary to me too...and I know I keep trailing a bit into the down side, but I'm trying to be brutally honest because part of this is sharing what actually goes through my mind while dealing with this... is what if it comes back? That's in the future though and one step at a time. This is what I mean by life changer though. That thought will always be there.

As far as treatment goes..consolidation has been a bit different. Because it is high dose, the pre-meds are different and there's a lot more of them. Before I had a steroid and alepurinol (not sure if that's the right spelling) to keep ureic acid down. Now I have those as well as eye drops 4 times a day to keep my corneas from being damaged, and a shot daily to keep my blood from clotting. Today I had to take a potassium pill and those are HUMONGOUS. lol.. They also gave me the birth control shot to stop my bleeding (need to keep my blood). That HURT like a mother. Ladies, don't get that shot if you don't have to haha. hey more brutal honesty. I have had no side effects thank goodness but like I mentioned before I will be doing most of my recovery at home. Fully expect to be not much more than tired and OCD about germs for the first week and then back to normal. I'll have to monitor my temp several times a day. I get to go home in the morning and I really really cannot wait. It will be really nice to get back to normal again, even if just for a little while haha.

Well I think I've talked your ears off enough about nothing. I know I promised a blog about hair loss, and don't you worry that pic of my bald head is coming. I really can pull it off ; ) bahaha. So until next time, and thanks for listening to the inner rumblings of my brain. It's a nice release. Take care and love. Heather :)

Tour and such =)

Hey everyone! I hope you're all doing well. I haven't blogged in a while. Good on two fronts. 1)I haven't been harassing you ; ) and 2) I now have a couple ideas up my sleeve for future posts bahaha :P

I haven't showed you around my abode yet so I thought we could have some show and tell. So first up the view outside my window (which most of you have seen because of facebook but it's awesome so here it is again haha)                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                     

Yep...the horse shoe =) Pretty cool. It's weird here. you can see in the pic it's very gloomy and rainy. That's how the room feels. Then when it's sunny and bright the room feels like that.  Well coming inside the window and to the left you have my divine sitting area:

My daughter's lovely artwork to help decorate my room. She is one talented lady! So you see above the chair the cards and collage board? These mean so much to me. A lot of the cards are from the department and are signed by so many very amazing people. I have some from family and friends. A couple counting down the weeks until this is hopefully over. The collage board has several quotes from my friends on facebook, very inspirational so thank you for those. 

Going further left still is my dry erase board. Very fascinating. 

 Today you can see my nurse is Christine and my PCA Betty. Christine is telling me my white blood cell counts, platelet counts, and hemoblobin counts. Also that today I get to be infused with yummy platelets because mine are boarderline low. Awesome stuff. 

Speaking of infusing and IV's and such meet my dance partner. When I was going through Chemo I was hooked to this bad boy 24/7 all 7 days. I even showered hooked up to this guy ; ). These days we have grown apart as I can now be disconnected when I don't need blood products or antibiotics. 

And lastly but certainly not least, the one and only...cranky duck! For when my dance partner makes me mad. ok ok, I've mentioned this guy before and never really explained. I have to wear this mask everytime I leave my room. My counts are so low, I can get sick from anything. My family can't even use my bathroom when they visit me. Insanity. So when a friend came to visit she suggested it looked like a duck bill and I should draw nostrils on it. My husband seeing this and our twisted senses of humors soon turned this guy into my alter ego. Whenever I am cranky about being woken up, hospital food, stubbing my toe on my dance partner, I dawn the mask and I become cranky duck, donald duck voice and all. It's really silly, but it makes me laugh. We have since thought up a 2nd alter ego. Sassy duck. This is the mask with no hat (me bald these days). Tellin it like it is with a southern duck voice. ; ) oh geez. 

So..that's my bubble. The "and such" to my title is just an update. Since my last blog I am off Chemo. They waited a few days after I came off of that and then did a new bone marrow test. This test showed that so far there is no disease in my marrow. So now we wait to make sure new blasts don't appear and that my blood counts come back to where they should be. As far as symptoms, I have been so lucky, still no real side effects. I have lost my hair. That is going to be my next post by the way. So I will talk more about that then : ) My throat is a bit sore today which the nurse thinks is probably sores from the chemo. Other than that I am feeling good. I try to go for walks every day and just keepin positive. It really seems to be helping. 

Well that's about it from me for now. Thank you so so much for reading : ) I hope I didn't bore you haha. Next time...hair loss. haha Talk to you soon and take care!

Cranky Duck makes an appearance

Hey to all of you =) Hope your day is going well. There is a fitness model that my husband and I both follow, her name is Aubrie Richeson. A week ago yesterday she posted this status : Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to be with yourself this morning. Be open to feelings that may come to you, accept them then let them go. I really liked that status. It rang true with me that day and it is coming back to me again today. My husband was able to stay here with me this weekend and we had SO much fun. It was really nice to laugh and joke and just have him here. While he was here we were talking a bit about what is down the road and how there may be bad days but finding the positive in all this is easy to do too when it's looked for. And then it kinda dawned on me..it's not even really bad days so much as moments. Yesterday when he left and a bit this morning I find myself homesick. I really miss seeing my husband and daughter all the time, taking care of them, doing the house work (yes I really do miss this LOL), baths, just the normalcy. And there are things going on here that are annoying to say the least. SO in that vein, I thought I would take a note from Ms. Richeson. I am going to talk a bit more on these things (hopefully with some humor) and then move on to the positive because there's so much more of that.

So aside from missing home like you wouldn't believe, I think the effects of the chemo are starting to take hold. Every day I get a bit more tired. hmm well not even tired just lethargic. I feel like I could lay down and take a nap at any given second. I HATE this. I have a bit of a headache too. Oh! I forgot to tell you guys, one of the drugs they gave me turned my pee orange ; ) like kool-aid orange LOL. Kinda cool I guess. Other than these things I still feel like my normal self, but the lethargy is taking it's toll on my mood a bit. I find myself having less patience. Which leads me too gripe number 2. The endless parade of poking and prodding. They do vitals here 8pm, 12, 4am (that one includes drawing blood), and 8 am. 8 am is my favorite because they come in.. do vitals, then ask you what time you want breakfast. Yesterday the PCA did this and I told her I wanted to sleep longer. She proceeded to tell me they stop serving at 930 and she would be back at 845 to ask me again... :)... Then nursie comes in with meds, NP comes in and pokes and asks questions such as how is my BM, Dr's come in and do the exact same routine as NP and BY THEN you're awake. Shower time. In which my 25 year old self whose used to doing virtually everything on my own has to dawn her cranky duck mask (more on this character in another post...stay tuned ; ) ), go out, and ask for the following: a gown, towels, someone to help put on my aquaguard, and socks, and let the world know I am about to take a shower. yay!! ; ) They are pumping me full of so much sodium chloride that my face looks like a pumpkin, and my hands and feet are swollen. I am peeing like I'm pregnant. The nurse says," if you promise to drink water really well they may take your levels down a bit". Well...how about this nursie??? I promise to not drink any more water period UNTIL they take down my fluids : P so there. Now then, let's talk about foodage. It sucks. That's really it. It's bad. And for exercise after said meals I am not allowed off the floor so I walk down the hallway, turn around, come back up the hallway, go around the nurses station, go back down the hallway AND repeat. I appreciate hampsters in a whole new way.          Sorry for the pause there friends, I had to go pee. Last thing, I am on SOOO many "preventative" medications. I don't even like to take tylenol for headaches. Ridiculous LOL.

Deep breath deep breath. ok now that I've had my little temper tantrum ; ) Let's move on to brighter things. The sun is shining, I'm alive and kicking, my symptoms are SO small right now and even more importantly I have SO much support. Here is what boggles my mind you guys. James and I have gotten several messages talking about how we are inspiring, but I see it exactly the opposite. For every message of support, every comment on facebook, phone call, visit, card EVERYTHING I am inspired. I really feel the love and positive energy and I am really feeding off of that. You guys inspire me. I have a windowsill full of bears and flowers and balloons and cards and I get messages everyday and it all means so so much to me. When I have moments like up above, I look at all these things and it snaps me into reality. The here and now. Here, and now, I'm still feeling well, I am happy and I am fighting this thing and winning because I'm still alive. I am bummed about missing the little things right now, but it's like my husband said there will be more of those..there will only be one of my daughter's wedding. Also, I know in the end this will only make us stronger because we will have fought through all of this. Something we talked about too is that this is really showing us who is in our corner which is amazing. And as much as I went on and on about hospital stuff, the staff here really is really great. They are so nice and understanding. And everyone talks about how this is the place to be for leukemia so I am so so grateful and lucky to be here. Also we found out our insurance should be covering the majority if not all of this so that is a HUGE blessing. I am really a very very lucky girl. I am so glad to have all of you keeping me grounded and positive. Oh, I'll leave you with one last note: I had a blood transfusion on Friday the 13th very cool. Plus my blood type is..you guessed it..B+ =) Have an awesome day, thank you so much for reading!

cranes and poison and a really really good day

Hi everyone again : ) How are things? Blog number two and hopefully I'll keep you entertained ; ). So, I promised to explain the whole "orange crane" thing. Well, like I said orange paper cranes are one of the first things I saw when I arrived here.

The flyer says "join us in our wish for a leukemia free world". It then explains that it is a Japanese tradition that if you fold 1000 paper cranes you are granted one wish. Orange is the color representing leukemia. So I just thought this was really cool. I tried to fold a paper crane last night and FAILED massively. I will try again soon and will post the pic. Something else kind of cool I stumbled on to... www.lls.org a leukemia and lymphoma website is putting on (and they do this annually) a walk called "light the night walk" to fundraise for blood cancer. Here is the link if any of you are interested in finding one in your area: http://www.lightthenight.org/ I know I plan to get better and walk it for sure. 

Positivity goes a long way. I had the best day the other day (well here anyway)! I got a bear with balloons from family friends, a blanket donated to the patients here, there was a woman who came in a sang some Bob Marley with me. You can't go wrong with Bob Marley. A friend stopped by with all kinds of craft supplies. So I fully intend to get some scrapbooking done and finish decorating my bulletin board. (pics to come :D) and then I got to talk to my hubby and daughter. It's really easy to feel lonely and crappy here, but all of that was amazing and gave me a lot of positivity to cling onto. Thank you all so much. Yesterday I got to visit with my husband and daughter. That was awesome! We splurged and had pizza delivered tee hee. So that was fun. The hardest part is when they go, but I didn't cry yesterday so I guess that's an accomplishment : /. 

Anyway...last thing and then I'll leave you be :) The latest news is that I start Chemo today. This afternoon in fact. It will be 7 days straight of one drug, and 3 days of another. I will be here for about a month and hopefully it takes and I can go into remission. The way I understand it, it's like hitting a giant reset button in my body. It wipes out all bone marrow cells, as well as a lot of good so this will be supplemented with blood transfusions and such, and then they let it grow back, test it and hopefully there are no blasts. It all kind of depends on genetics too so I'll keep ya posted. 

Here we go, the fight starts today! Thank you all for reading. Thanks for the support. If you like this feel free to share : ) Take care and we'll talk soon!

Whirlwind of days

Hey everyone. I just want to start by thanking anyone who takes the time to read. I just thought this might be a nice way to get things off my chest from time to time. Going into the inners of my mind can be a scary thought so those who are brave enough to do that with me are truly good people haha!

So if you're reading this you probably also know that I was very recently diagnosed with Leukemia. I'll just start at the beginning and we'll see where it takes me... For the past 3ish weeks I have been having some weird symptoms. I have been bruising really easy. Really big nasty bruises just out of nowhere. Also headaches, nausea and vomiting pretty much every morning, headaches that lasted for days, and also really bad fatigue and dizziness when I would go to the gym. I put it off at first, hoping it was just something weird and would subside. After my family's trip to Miami I realized I couldn't put it off anymore so I went to see my doctor. This was on the 4th of April. She ran blood and on the morning of the 5th I got a phone call saying my hemoglobin and platelets were very low and I needed to be admitted to our local hospital! What?? Talk about scared. So we rush there and they did more blood tests and a CT scan. Did I mention I am TERRIFIED of needles LOL :) By that evening the Dr. came in and said he believed I had leukemia and needed to be transferred to a hospital that more specialized in this treatment. So in that short amount of time my world and my husband's world was turned upside down. I am 25! No way could this be happening. Cancer. I have cancer? My dad at it various times throughout my childhood and eventually died from it. I have had Aunts and Uncles who have dealt with cancer. I think we all know someone who has had cancer, but me? How can this be happening. That's just a microcosm of what went through my head in the seconds after hearing the news. After that it was an ambulance ride to the new hospital, admitting questions, more blood work, and then finally some sleep. A little bit of sleep. The next day I had a MUGA done. That's this really cool procedure where they draw blood, tag it with radio active markers, reinsert the blood and then take pictures of your heart. This allows them to see how well your heart is pumping your blood. Very cool. I had a chest x-ray and then... BONE MARROW. I was SO scared. They knew this and drugged me up pretty good. LOL I was very sleepy for the procedure and my husband held my hand the whole time. It wasn't too bad for anyone who may need to go through this in the future. Then just a couple hours later I had this thing put in my chest. It's like a port. It allows them to draw blood and insert blood and chemo. NO MORE NEEDLES = D.

The 7th was absolutely the worst. The previously mentioned port had issues so I needed another one put in. Knowing that I would be drowsy, my husband decided to stay home, get the house back in order and spend quality time with our daughter. I think it's something we all needed, but the day was SO quiet. I had nothing to do (because of the rush everything was at home) so I had a lot of time to sit with the news and deal. The hardest part is being away from them. I am so lucky though that everyone here is SO SO nice. My PCA took a walk with me and we borrowed some movies from the activities room and that really cheered me up. From there I became determined to find things to do and stay happy. Not that I am naive, I know there are going to be sad times, but I want to stay mostly positive. My family did come and visit yesterday and that was amazing to have them here. We got to get out of the room and go have dinner in the cafeteria so that was cool. It was so hard saying good bye to them and for the first time I became angry at this disease. Really just resentful. It is keeping me from my loved ones and keeping me from going home. If this disease were a really person, I would be kicking, and screaming, and scratching and everything I could do to overcome it and get home. But its not a real person. But you know what? I can still do all those things. I can still fight this and I can go home. And I will.

Lastly, and I know this has been a long blog because I have had so much catching up to do over the past few days, I have had such great support from family and friends. The phone calls, and messages/comments on facebook, and well wishes on other sites, just everyone has really been in my corner and I can really feel the love and positive wishes radiating through to me so please know that I can feel it, it is making a difference and I thank you so so very much. Oh and in case you were wondering about "orange cranes".. they are the first things I saw when I got to the floor I'm on. I'll do another post about that soon. Take care all and thanks for reading.
Love,
Me :)